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May 12th, 2008
08:23 am - damn
so yeah, the guy i met at the cabin...well, he seems emotionally detatched. he says that things just don't bother him, but the things he's mentioned....they'd have to bother someone. i think he just thinks they don't bother him, he just keeps it inside. and also, if they DON'T bother him.....then it seems to me that means those people didn't mean that much to him. see...i know that if someone i loved, and they loved me, cheated on me....i'd be heartbroken. i'd be in PAIN. because i'd given a part of myself to them, and they broke that. but if i didn't care....then they meant nothing to me. it's the idea that you're taking a risk by giving out your heart, and the normal things that would be painful, they just aren't to this guy. and i don't buy it. or else i don't like it. either way, it didn't impress me or interest me. it provoked me a little. because i know that what i am looking for in a guy, if i were to date someone, would be a guy who's open to the idea of love, a dangerous love. dangerous because i'd have the option of breaking his heart. there's that possibility. and he's have the option of breaking mine.....but i want that, and with this guy, don't think it could happen. sure, he's cute, and thought provoking, but i'm not really feelin' it, with what he's told me about himself.
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May 10th, 2008
05:41 pm - dammit
i know i shouldn't even think of doing this tonight, IF he can hang out with me.....i told myself no more sex that has no meaning....but here i go again....possibly. but you know what.....maybe this one last time, IF he doesn't hang out with his friend, IF he does ask me over, then we'll see what happens. but that's a big IF. cause it seems like he's probably gonna hang with his friend. so it might not even come close to happening after all. i just wish for onc ei could have meaningful sex.....it was REALLY nice that one time with matt, but he turned out to be an a-hole with no balls. it wouldn't have worked out anyways with him i am sure, but still...that's the closest i have EVER come to a connection with someone during sex.
but i wnat to get drunk tonight, even though i work in the morning.
p.s.- i love andy......and i know him *warm fuzzies*
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March 19th, 2008
05:38 pm - raspberry martinis
yeah i just posted in my new LJ group, but it didn't satisfy me.
i am drinking obviously, but it's not fun tonight.....i wish i had something to DO. i need to DO things when i drink, otherwise it is SO boring. i am kind of watching national treasure, so that's doing something i suppose.
damn, it was nice having a boyfriend, especially one as cute as ben....who i will be seeing on friday, fuck it all to hell. i wish i could do with him like i do with most of my ex's, and never talk to him again. but i can't. and you know, it was purely physical, and i knew i wanted out a month into it.....but it's hard to let go of something so attractive. but that's all it was, and although i'd love to touch his body once more.....i don't need to. though damned if the idea of it doesn't make me wet. whoooo! surprised you there didn't i? i normally don't mention when that happens, but there it is. just imagining his tatooed shoulder over me when he's on top.....mmmmm. anyways, enough porn talk.
you know, i am tempted to go for a walk. but that would be boring as well.
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March 15th, 2008
10:39 am - num
i've done so much today already! made a cake, frosted it, made raspberry puree, had a good breafast, had lunch, the corned beef is on the stove. i have already drank three or four glasses of water today...i want to go for a walk and maybe i will, once the corned beef has come to a boil. maybe i will wash and cut potatoes after that walk. i am not totally inspired to go for a walk....i do want to get some sort of exercise though....oh well.
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March 14th, 2008
12:17 pm - wow
it is SO nice to use a mouse...where with rich's laptop, i had to use that small area and use my finger to guide the cursor! i love mouses!....well, MICE :) hehehehehe
it's also very nice to type on a regular keyboard, and to be able to type without rich trying to have a convo with me at the same time, or him telling me something i really don't care about! ug.
anyways....i am going to bake a cake for rich's bday, and we are also going to be having corned beef and cabbage on saturday for dinner...and i am going to make redskin potatoes. mashed...and make a few extra so that i can make corned beef hash the next morning! wooohooo! yay! i can't wait. i really must tame myself down though.....eat small little meals and drink more water still....
i really like this journal entry so far....REALLY i like typing without rich trying to talk to me at the same time. it's hard to focus.
i faxed my app to parks and rec, and also found out that i am considered a student in the summer if i am registered for fall classes, which i will be. at least i am sure i will be, if i get enough financial aid. so then i could work on the CMU grounds crew if they are looking for people, which i will find out within a week. i really think this gorgeous weather is lifting my spirits, because i feel like doing things with my life now...and things seem to be looking up....let's hope they keep going well, maybe even get better!
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March 13th, 2008
07:40 pm - excited
i am very excited to see andy tomorrow afternoon. i missed him on wednesday. i just got done eating dinner with rich, and of course he's talking up a storm...while i am trying to type. ug. pause. i hope he's done cause i gotta go turn off the recording VCR....and watch lipstick jungle, then watch frasier at 12am!
anyways i do miss andy. and i think i should forget about keeping in touch with arthur. he seems a bit needy to be wanting to talk to me every night even though we are two hours away. i faxed my app to ICPR today. i hope they ask me for an interview.
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06:39 am - so
my journal looks weird...it is aligning things to the right for some reason, rather than the left....weird. anyways i am hungry, but have no breakfast food. ug...i hate this. maybe i can afford to get a pastry at starbucks, $1.36, that's with my discount. i hope so, cause i'll be hungry by five. gotta ask jon to fill out the employment verification sheet for DHS....ug. and also give him my new availability. i will fax my app and everythign else when i get to work early today, i just hope jon isn't right there at the fax machine....but that would be great if i got another job, and outdoors job. even more wonderful if, once i find out if i can apply for it, i could get a spot on the CMU grounds crew. ohhh that would be heaven. and i could get away from starbucks for a little bit. but still work a few shifts....which is pretty much all i'm getting now.
anyways yes, very hungry, and i would drink water to make myself feel full...but i have to be ready and waiting for the bus by 1130, and being on the bus with a full bladder is not fun.
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March 12th, 2008
07:15 am - inspired
yes i am...to work as much as possible so that i can get the week of cherry festival off and spend as much money as i'd like. i didn't get to go last year and this year i plan on making a big deal! i miss TC SO much. i plan to bring my rollerblades, and maybe even my bike! that would be so awesome, riding my bike around TC.....i haven't done that yet. oh gosh i would love it. i really need to get on top of things, let jon know i will work as much as possible. that way i will make as much money as possible.
CHERRY FESTIVAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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06:52 am - been thinking
about andy again and again....how much i love him. man.....is this what it's really like, if you were in love and only got to see your love once or twice a week? constantly thinking about them? wishing you could see them? i bet.
anyways......i will see him this friday.
today i will be finishing my resume, filling out the application, writing up a new schedule for jon, and maybe calling to see if the grounds crew position on campus would need to be a student.
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March 11th, 2008
02:30 pm - hungry
i am so friggin' hungry! and i have a headache, major. i just got back from DHS....the woman who talked to me was cold and unfeeling. and i have to get back to her, and send her something within five days. THEN if i am approvved, it'll be another five days, to seven days before i get the bridge card. i am SO hungry. i cried, and want to cry again.
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08:21 am - so
yeah, today is my appt with the chic to see about getting a bridge card....but. i don't have copies of my bills. and i am supposed to bring them. i can't get copies printed of my dental bill from rich's laptop and don't have time to go to the bank, withdraw enough money to take the bus to the library, the public one, and get my stuff printed there. i tried printing them here, with rich's printer but it's not working! and then there's the electric bill...which rich wouldn't let me even see when i asked to see them (some other time when i just wanted to see them), so when i ask him to see them again, if i see him before i go, he may give me a hard time again. or ask why i need them and i'll have to come up with something. ug....and then there's the cell phone issue, because in order for it to be cheaper, it's on april's cell phone bill, so it's her name on it. and she's got the bills online i guess. i really hope i can still get the bridge card, i really need it.
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March 9th, 2008
12:03 am - no sleep...til brooklyn
hehehehe, i stole that from the beastie boys...but yeah no sleep for me. i wanted to stay up last night (sat night) and all day today (sunday), well, til 5 or 6....so that i'll be ultra tired and get to sleep by 5 or six....maybe by four! that way, when i wake monday morning, i'll be ultra refreshed and envigorated! woot woot.
i just spent about half an hour talking to guy who has accomplished a lot with his life, but is a chronic pot smoker, and believes in jesus, but doesn't go to church, thinks christians are hypocrites, and wants to get into politics. to save humanity or something.....wow. yeah, it took a lot to not fall asleep when he started talkin' about that stuff.
i wish arthur were online.....he IS so very handsome, and there is something about him....maybe it's his dark eyes and dark hair, and his somewhat beefy body....he doesn't look like a hardbody, but he's got arm muscle at the very least....and a manly face, with great hair. and a gentle seeming soul....mmmmm. but he seems to have a hard time having a convo....cause he doesn't speak english too well maybe....but he keeps wanting to talk to me! so he's not afraid to have a convo. yeah i should stop thinking about guys, i know.....so maybe i should stop comming across them, at least, online. NO MORE! no more new ones, that is :)
arthur, what a cutie, too bad he doesn't live closer.
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March 7th, 2008
08:16 am - so yeah
i had called nicholas two days ago, on wed about going to dinner on thursday night, like he wanted. i just left him a voicemail, he never got back to me til last night...he texted and said he was in grand rapids, on business....we texted back and forth and i basically said he'd get one more chance at dinner with me. no more than one. so if he gets to me about dinner i'll go with him. but i'm not all excited about the prospect of even having a date with a guy who can't seem to make time for a date...let alone a girlfriend, if it came to that.
last night i went out with rich, we had some wings and a few drinks, four for me and six beers for him...we got back to the apartment, and i am glad he didn't try to make moves on me....most guys would. he did, keep talking about my sister, which i thought was weird....but that's rich for you.
anyways i am seeing andy today at 1, and i'm really happy about that. the fact that i'm seeing him today, and just the idea of seeing him every friday, before the weekend.
hmmm what else? i don't want to go on and on again about how much i love andy, though of course that's what i started thinking about as soon as i talked about him. all i can ever say about that is that i love him and it feels so nice, though i really wish it could be returned. but it is so great, at the very least, to know i AM capable of loving someone, since i never have before.
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March 5th, 2008
10:04 am - andy again
well today andy suggested we see each other more often, so i will see him on weds and fridays. so i will see him again this friday, yay! i was kind of excited about it, i told andy how i felt when i saw him at work, and how i felt afterwards....gosh i really do love him, and it is SO nice. i can't wait to see him again.
i might be going out with nicholas tomorrow night....i'm kind of nervous about the idea because i know i'm not who i want to be and don't know if i'm ready to date again....i really don't know if i want to get involved with someone, when i have so much to improve on. but there's no harm in a date i suppose, i just am glad that i got some money, so that if he's not paying, i could pay for myself. that's what i always worry about, if the guy is paying or not! cause i never have any money. dang....i really am kind of worried, that maybe i shouldn't go out to dinner with this guy....no! i will!!!!!! i will. it's just a date, and i have no reason to feel bad about myself. i am a human being, i don't need to be perfect, and i shouldn't assume that people will expect me to be perfect...so there should be no nervousness, on that front anyways.
wish me luck
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March 4th, 2008
12:30 pm - crazy but true
ben just texted me...and i got to thinking about my body again, and how i want it to look hotter than ever this summer, just to show him up, make him know what he's missing....but that's not right! that's no better than what i WAS doing, with him, because i'm still basing my worth on him, and his approval of me, his "missing my body" would still be on HIM! not on me loving my body and wanting to better my body for me, although of course i know i'd want a better body, to look sexy and be proud of my body, which i really want, ME to be proud of ME. so i will try to think better thoughts, when i'm trying to improve my body....thoughts that focus on what I want out of it, how good i'll feel looking in the mirror, not looking into ben's amazed face, or his dropped jaw at the sight of me in my bikini....though damned if the idea of that doesn't make me smile! hehehehee.
anyways my water drinking and crunches will go on.....and i better monitor how much i eat, when i DO eat. although it's hard not to want to shovel food in my mouth whenever i can, since i don't know when i'll eat next, but i should really tame it down.
maybe i'll try some jogging tonight, i think i will.
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10:14 am - i can't
bring myself to accept help from others when they offer it! i know...i'm going to be getting help from the government soon, hopefully, but that took a LONG time for me to finally apply, cause i REALLY don't like getting help from others. or at least, not random people who i don't know, even though they are so thoughtful and sincere in their wanting to help me out. i just feel like i don't deserve it, that I am the one doing something wrong, that I can't go out and get a better job, that I deserve to starve if i can't provide for myself. yeah, it's fucked up, isn't it? i tend to blame myself, and i didn't realize that until recently. no matter what, it's my fault. I'm the dumbass who can't get her life together, and i should suffer the consequences. it's the way i was brought up....it's all ON ME.
so although i'm touched when people offer help, or interest, i feel it's up to ME, and so i need to take care of it....even if there's not much i can do, or not much that i DO do.
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09:29 am - life
you know i have too many journals, where i post randomly....kind of goes with the way my mind has been working this past year....all scattered and not in one place, not able to focus....i wonder why that is?
anyways....andy is on my mind, and when i saw him at the cabin the other day, i so badly wished he would turn around, and see me at the pool table, and say hi to me. he would see how sexy i look, in normal situations. but no...it looked like he was on a double date, and the girl who was his date looked kind of plain....she was a brunette, my size....nothing special looking about her. so i didn't feel threatened there. but what does that matter? i shouldn't feel threatened in any way, cause it's not as if i can have him. but anyways...i saw him on monday (yesterday) at work! i flipped the monitor on the screen, to get a look at the customer like i sometimes do, and there he was....and i wanted the chance to hand out the coffee....so i made it right away and got to say hi....i have to say, i looked really cute that day, i wore a bit of make up, and my lips looked luscious....but when i saw andy, it's not as if i could have a big convo with him or anything....so i just took his money and gave him his coffee. but man was i shaking afterwards! i've been thinking of him so much lately...i don't know why. maybe cause i'm really excited about the fact that i love him, and i told him again. it felt nice....i was smiling that whole day. wednesdays are always good days. i wish everyday could be a wednesday. that would be nice. i would feel great all the time.
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March 3rd, 2008
01:28 pm - Alienation
testiug
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February 27th, 2008
12:27 pm - i love you
yeah, i told andy it again today....but i never say it the way i want to. the way it really feels. i love him SO much, yet i can't say it that way. i can never look him in the eyes when i say it. though i want to. i have a feeling if i looked him in the eyes, i'd want to touch him, to bring him close to me when i said it. i have never said i love you to someone and had it mean so much. but that's how it feels. and i can't wait to be able to feel it for someone i can get involved with. someone who can love me back the exact same way.
i also wish i didn't cry when i said it...i look horrible when i cry. but you know what? if it's genuine, it really shouldn't matter if i cry or not. so nevermind that.
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August 9th, 2007
12:54 pm - man troubles
yeah....this is the only place i know to post a note where he won't see it, but it's like this....i don't know what i want, or what he wants out of this. it seems he might want a bit more, as time passes...but i'll really have to get over this weird silence with him. it seems he likes the silence because he is so talkative with everyone else...just not with me. but it could also be that he has nothing to talk about with me, cause he's into many things i don't have any knowledge about. so if that's the case, i feel stupid, which i already do around him. i just must remind myself that everyone is smart in different areas, and although he may have lots of knowledge, or a thirst for learning that i don't have, he also doesn't seem to be all that knowledgeable on other areas, like psychology and...well gosh, what else do i know? he's into music, and a bit of sociology, which is what else i know...he's also very opinionated. i just wish there was a way i could impress him with my mind, because he seems to be so into learning things, and GOING AFTER something, cause he's so motivated. damn, it seems he's too motivated. but maybe that's the type of man i need in my life, one who's motivation will rub off on me. already he's told me i really should keep at trying to get my degree done with...and you know, the way he worded it...ever since, i've been thinking about school more. but i know i don't want to be the woman behind the man, i want to stand alone, on my own, without having to put the credit to my "man" he's so mysterious, too, with the silence...and i really don't know much about him, personally, at all. he has a sister...he lives with his grandpa right now (til school starts), aqnd he's into a lot of stuff....he doesn't talk about personal things at all. and that's what i'm good at....i really don't know. he must think i have no personality at all, or that i'm incredibly stupid, which i'm not! i just don't have a lot going on in my life right now. sure, i am working towards becoming a CO, but there's not much to that...ug. i am going to finish this later, maybe.
Starloree
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